When I began this blog, my intention was to start a daily practice, to which I have. But I didn’t think about this time as being a transition from the many years I had scratched down ideas and emotions in my journal, keeping it hidden from the world, to this time where I would actually be a writer. And I so very much think of this time as transition because I still don’t fully see myself as a writer. I’m writing but I don’t believe I’m a writer. And I’m not even sure if this writing will lead to me being a writer or even if that is important.
What I know is that I’m enjoying this transition of writing and keeping myself accountable by sharing it every day whether it is read or not. But at times, it has been difficult. Take the past few days for instance. You may not know from what I wrote yesterday, a beautiful transition from friendship to love with my husband, that I was having a really hard day. It took me awhile to find something to write that wasn’t hard or unpleasant as I’ve come to think that I should find balance in my writing. Saturday I wrote about something difficult so yesterday needed to be something more uplifting. But if I’m a writer, and again, I’m not claiming to be or even saying that I will be one some day, don’t I write what I’m feeling no matter what it is? Don’t I share that I’m writing about transitions and feeling very uneasy with several transitions in my life currently? Isn’t it OK to show vulnerability every day, and when does expressing your vulnerability become a rant of a woman who is comfortable playing the role of victim in her life?
What I know is that whatever I write, the happy times or the sad, I feel like this process of writing, is helping me sort out my life. If I’m writing about something beautiful on a day I’m feeling everything but beautiful, then it helps me gain perspective on the situation. If I decide to write about what is challenging to me at the moment, then I’m giving myself permission to work through it and try to find clarity on the other side of it. And I will admit, that when I first began this project, I checked every day on Facebook, several times, to see how many people “liked” my post or commented on my writing. I don’t do that so much anymore. Because again, whether this is a transition from “writing” to “writer” or not is irrelevant. This is a daily practice for me and if someone doesn’t “like” it, I’m still accomplishing what I set out to do. It’s very interesting.
I think I’ve learned through this process that I want to keep writing in some way, that writing has to be a part of my life but I’m still open to what that means. If this ends up being a transition from writing to writer, I can look back on this moment and smile but if its something else, that’s OK too. This is one of the few transitions I’m in right now that I’m completely detached to the outcome. Maybe that’s a clear indicator that I need to keep writing.